We had been to Buffalo at least ten times for work.

 

Every trip followed the same highly efficient formula: fly in at the last possible minute, do the work, leave at the first possible opportunity.

 

And every single ride back to the airport, we said some version of: “One of these times we should really go see Niagara Falls.”

 

We never did.

 

Fast-forward to this spring, when we came home from Zimbabwe after seeing Victoria Falls.

We were drinking wine with our friends John and Elizabeth—better known to us as Bubba and Betty—telling them how spectacular Victoria Falls was.

 

This was our first mistake.

 

Bubba was born in Buffalo and later moved to Paducah, Kentucky. At that point, the nickname pretty much chose itself.

 

He immediately began mocking us for flying halfway around the world to see Victoria Falls while repeatedly ignoring Niagara Falls, which had apparently been sitting there waiting patiently for us thirty minutes from the Buffalo airport.

 

We don’t respond well to mockery.

 

Especially after wine and bourbon.

Then he raised the stakes.

 

Beef on weck.

Chicken wings.

Hot dogs.

Pizza.

 

All the culinary treasures we had apparently been recklessly ignoring every time we fled Buffalo immediately after work.

 

How had we missed this?

How had we disrespected an entire food culture so completely?

How could we live with ourselves?

Bubba can be very persuasive when he wants to be.

He also happens to be an internationally acclaimed pastry chef, former captain of the U.S. team at the Coupe du Monde de la Pâtisserie and the first American-born member of Relais Desserts.

In pastry circles, he is serious business.

In our circle, he’s Bubba—apparently Buffalo’s biggest booster.

 

Betty—Elizabeth, his wife, partner and the person most often tasked with stopping him from doing something stupid—provides the necessary counterweight.

Usually.

Not this time.

So we planned a trip to Buffalo.

On purpose.

The final justification was that we were also planning to see Iguazu Falls later that year.

Victoria. Niagara. Iguazu.

The Big Three.

Apparently, collecting giant waterfalls had become a thing.

What we actually planned was tourist hell meets meat sweats.

And somehow, it got worse from there.

 

 

 

DAY ONE-HALF

THE WARM-UP

We landed around 6:00 p.m.

Car rental → Westin downtown Buffalo

Within five minutes of checking in:

Pre-game cocktails at Patina 250
On the street level of the hotel. (A Shea design, hence the many previous trips to Buffalo).
Always nice to begin a gluttony tour somewhere familiar.

Tonight was supposed to be a light warm-up night.

 

STOP 1: SCHWABL’S

Order:

• Two beef-on-weck sandwiches
• Bavarian-style pretzels
• Chicken fingers

Yes, chicken fingers.

STOP 2: KONE KING

Walk half a block.

This would prove to be one of the longer stretches of physical activity during the entire trip.

Order:

• Two cones
• Two sundaes

 

STOP 3: BOCCE CLUB PIZZA

Uber over.

Possibly one of the highest-volume pizza places we’ve ever seen.

Order:

• One giant pizza

Eat it on the back patio.

Bring your own booze—which Betty found in desperation at a nearby gas station, because apparently eating pizza in a parking lot sober was a bridge too far.

Naturally.

FINAL STOP: PATINA 250

Back to the hotel.

Nightcap.

A light night.

We were off to an excellent start.

 

DAY TWO

THE BIG FALLS WITH A SIDE OF WINGS

Today was Niagara.

Buffalo → Niagara Falls State Park
About 25 minutes.

Even on a Monday morning in early summer, it was tourist hell.

Selfie sticks everywhere.

Tour groups everywhere.

Ponchos everywhere.

You could only imagine what July looked like.

Still, there is a reason millions of people come.

NIAGARA FALLS

Do:

• Maid of the Mist
• Observation Tower
• Walk the paths
• Take in the American Falls
• Cruise toward Horseshoe Falls

The Maid of the Mist experience is aggressively touristy.

And completely worth it.

You put on the blue poncho, board with a few hundred of your newest friends and head toward an absurd wall of water.

The Canadian boats wear red.

Apparently even giant waterfalls need team colors.

The whole thing is powerful, ridiculous and spectacular.

Then go up to the Observation Tower, walk around a little, stare at the falls from several angles and eventually look at each other and say:

“Are we done?”

We were.

Niagara Falls is not really a day trip.

It is a very good two-hour trip that everyone calls a day trip.

At this point, David and I were perfectly prepared to change our flights and go home.

Mission accomplished.

Then Bubba pointed out that we had not yet eaten chicken wings or hot dogs.

Leaving Buffalo without wings, according to him, was roughly equivalent to leaving Paris without eating a croissant.

Apparently illegal.

So we continued.

 

 

STOP 1: JOHN & MARY’S

This place may hold the record for the world’s largest menu.

It has to.

The menu seemed less like a list of food and more like an inventory of everything humans have ever learned to fry.

Order:

• Two orders of wings
• Two sub sandwiches involving assorted meats
• French fries
• Curly fries
• Pizza Logs

Yes.

Logs.

• Chicken-finger sub

At some point, the human body should begin rejecting the concept of additional food.

Ours had not yet received the memo.

 

STOP 2: ANTOINE’S

Order:

• Molasses suckers
• Sundaes

Because clearly we were still functioning normally and making good decisions.

 

STOP 3: PATINA 250

Back downtown for a cocktail.

Just to level set.

It was 1:15 p.m.

 

 

THE BREAK

This is probably the point where any reasonable person thinks:

Surely they stopped.

We thought the same thing.

So we took a three-hour break.

Possible activities for our break included:

• Walking
• Napping
• Working
• Throwing up

Dealer’s choice.

We reconvened at 5:00. There was more work to be done

 

ROUND TWO

STOP 4: FOUNDING FATHERS

Yet another Buffalo institution.

The wine was airline quality.

Who orders wine in a dive bar?

Apparently us.

I at least attempted a gin and tonic.

Sadly, we no longer had the physical strength to approach the all-you-can-eat nacho station.

A tiny victory we celebrated by moving on to the next place.

STOP 5: JUST VINO

A necessary attempt to rehabilitate ourselves after the wine at Founding Fathers.

By now, we had started digesting lunch.

Which meant, obviously, it was time for dinner.

 

STOP 6: LOMBARDO

This was the only actual planned dinner of the night.

Order:

• Two pizzas
• Caesar salad “for two”

It clearly could have easily have fed four actually hungry people.

• Two pastas
• Veal Marsala
• Three desserts

FINAL STOP: PATINA 250

Nightcap.

By now, it was clear Buffalo was not chasing a spot on anyone’s healthiest-cities list.

 

DAY THREE

THE DAY OF THE DOG

AKA RIDICULOUS → ABSURD → OBSCENE

 

It wasn’t over.

I know.

Bubba announced that we still had not eaten a proper Buffalo hot dog.

And Ted’s was right across the street.

He said this with the urgency of someone informing us we had forgotten our passports.

At this point, Bubba had become the Pied Piper of cholesterol.

We followed.

After several coffees—actual breakfast felt irresponsible—we crossed the street.

 

STOP 1: TED’S

First important question:

Why is a hot-dog restaurant open at 10:30 in the morning?

Second:

Why were there already fifteen people there at 10:31?

For purposes of this story, we will overlook the fact that four of those people were us.

Order:

• Two hot dogs

That’s it.

Restraint.

Growth.

Maturity.

 

 

EAST AURORA

STOP 2: ELM STREET BAKERY

Because apparently we were still hungry enough to introduce baked goods. Bubba pulled the pastry chef card.

Order:

• Two individual pizzas. Who doesn’t have two pizzas before lunch?
• Banana bread
• Five cookies
• Coffee cake

At this point, it was 11:45 a.m.

Clearly time for lunch.

 

 

STOP 3: BAR-BILL

Distance from Elm Street Bakery:

0.8 miles. We drove.

At Bar-Bill, whatever remained of restraint was gone.

You know how, as a kid, you looked at a giant menu and wanted one of everything?

Imagine four “technically adult” people doing exactly that.

 

Order:

• Wings

No idea how many anymore.

• Pizza

I ordered that mostly to annoy Betty.

• Beef on weck

For comparison purposes, obviously.

I also ate celery.

This was my first meaningful encounter with a vegetable in approximately forty-eight hours.

My body seemed confused.

 

 

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

STOP 4: CHARLIE THE BUTCHER’S

Our final beef-on-weck comparison.

Because apparently beef-on-weck required a formal study.

Order:

• Two giant beef sandwiches
• French fries

Naturally.

We were close to the airport, so we still had time to kill.

And apparently one final objective.

 

STOP 5: CRABAPPLES

Goal:

Full-on dive bar.

Mission accomplished.

Order:

• Brown alcohol
• Gin

Plus a few games of darts.

Then finally:

 

Airport.

Going through security, there was an audible sigh of relief.

It was over.

The two-day eating contest disguised as a trip to Niagara Falls had finally ended.

We had survived.

Barely.

 

 

THE RESULTS

Because apparently all research requires findings:

Best beef on weck: Schwabl’s (which has sadly since closed)

Charlie the Butcher’s came in second.

Best pizza: Bocce Club

Which, in retrospect, means we probably should have gone home immediately after Niagara Falls.

Best wings: Bar-Bill

No debate.

 

 

WHAT DID WE LEARN?

A few things.

1. Never plan a trip to Buffalo while drinking wine and bourbon.
2. Never casually agree to a Buffalo food tour.
3. Never go to Buffalo on a food tour.
4. Never let Bubba define the phrase “one more stop.”
5. Never put Bubba in charge of pacing. Or trip planning.
6. Betty cannot always save you.

 

And occasionally, the trip you would never normally plan turns out to be one of the funniest.

Was Buffalo beautiful?

Parts of it.

Was Niagara Falls worth seeing?

Absolutely.

Would I recommend following our exact itinerary?

Only if your physician is on call.

But this is also how some of our favorite trips happen.

Someone throws out a ridiculous idea.

Someone else says yes.

There’s usually wine involved.

And suddenly you’re standing in Buffalo at 10:31 in the morning eating a hot dog because apparently it had to be done.